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The African Queen



Rating: 9/10
Date Seen: 3/21/04

Meh. I was expecting more from John Huston. This was a film that numerous people have told me I'm an idiot for not seeing sooner, and now it's a film that I'm sure numerous people will tell me I'm an idiot for not liking more than I did. Oh well, such is life.

I think my biggest problem with the film is the complete lack of suspense and tension. I mean, they're going down an impossible river to blow up a German war boat. How can there not be suspense and tension??? I felt almost none. Only one scene in the whole film, the navigation through the marshes, had me feeling any amount of suspense.

I will say this though. Up until now I had always assumed that Bogart's Oscar was a sympathy vote for past snubs. I was wrong. This is a very fine performance and one deserving of the award. Hepburn is in fine form as usual, and since they're the only two roles in the film, it was certainly a great acting piece if nothing else.

Their chemistry on screen plus a few memorable scenes keep this at a fresh rating for me, but just barely. I was really disappointed. I never had much interest in seeing this film, but I couldn't explain why. Maybe my instincts are better than I give them credit for. Not a bad film, but not a good film either.

***.5/****

Pro: Bogart! The direction. The opening arguments on the "queen". The heat. The character development.

Con: Hepburn. The ending. Not enough conflict with nature. Rear projection.

Comments pending.

The African Queen (1951)
Great fun. Kate always worked best when she was paired with a worthy adversary (Spence, Cary Grant...) and Bogie turned in some of his very best work when directed by John Huston. Together, the three of them created one hell of a great movie. I just wish it had a stronger ending. [Spoiler: The Louisa just happens to drift into the tricked out Queen? Come on I've read that it's finally being readied for DVD release, which is great because the color of the print I taped is really washed out, thus negating the effect of filming the story in Africa. If you can find it, Kate's The Making of the African Queen memoir makes for some quick, enjoyable and enlightening reading.

The Road to Hong King (1962)
The last of the Crosby/Hope Road pictures that began in 1940 with Road to Singapore, but the first in the series I've seen. Very silly and kind of stupid but Crosby and Hope were a funny pair with great chemistry. They spend the movie fighting over Joan Collins and the three of them end up living on another planet. You made want to read that last line again. But with cameos from Dorothy Lamour, Frank & Deano, Niv and Peter Sellars, what's not to love? Incidentally, the Road to... series was the inspiration for the brilliant Family Guy episode, "Road to Rhode Island," starring Stewie and Brian.

Marie Antoinette (1938)
Norma Shearer as the Austrian-born Queen of France. I approached this film with a little trepidation as it's an MGM all-star historical epic and those can be pretty tedious. Luckily, this one was scripted by The Philadelphia Story's Donald Ogden Stewart and directed by W.S. Van Dyke II (the first 4 Thin Man films, among many, many others), who was nicknamed "One-Take Woody" for the speed which which he shot his pictures. Fortnuately, this pace carried over into the editing process and even at 150 minutes, Marie never feels long. I still have no grasp of world history, but I'm guessing they fudged history a little as Shearer was still the reigning the Queen of MGM when this was made and Marie makes Marie utterly impugnable in the injustices of th French, never even uttering that bit about the cake. MMMmmmm......cake.... But Sheare is pure fire and music throughout. Because of the production code, the beheading of her confidant, but the look of pure horror and terror and grief and anguish and fear on her face tells us everything we need to know.

Alice in Wonderland (1985)
Turnabout is fair play. After exposing me to Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 and Class of 1984, I invited Paul over for this reprehensible two-part mini-series of Lewis Carroll's classic made for CBS. I taped it sometime in the 80s and considered it lost until I discvoered the tape in my parents' basement (Rodolfo never throws out anything and even Mummy knows better than to touch Rodolfo's stuff.) I thougt we were in for some campy fun, but I was so very very very very rong. And Rodolfo never admits that he's rong. He can't even spell the word. The movie as a whole is no more than a living photograph of the books. I believe every scene and every character are included, though it's been some time since I read the novels, but they're just sort of there. One episode after another with only the vaguest attempt at a through-line plot.

This would have been fine enough as a way to get kids interested in the novel, I suppose, but as the network of CSI: Poughkeepsie, CBS simply doesn't know how to leave well-enough alone. So they got Pulitzer Prize winning playwright (The Effects of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds) Paul Zindel to adapt the script. Well, that's not such a bad idea, except that he scripted the awful adaptaion ofthe flop Mame, a story that had already succeeded as a play, a movie (both called Auntie Mame) and a Broadway musical.

And then they added songs by Steve Allen, which isn't necessarily a bad idea either as Steve Allen could do just about anything. Apparently though, they forgot to specify that Allen write good songs when they drew up his contract and he provided them with crap. The Msterpiece Edition of Disney's Alice contains some demo recordings of songs that were written for their film but not used. I can honestly say without hyperbole that every single one of them is a billion times better than even the best of Allen's lot.

Well, who could possibly direct this austentatious production? How about Harry Harris! From episdoes of MacGyver! And Falcon Crest! And A Day for Thanks on Walton Mountain! Fine. A terrific idea! Now we need a producer. A real showman with the experience to create a picture of epic proportions. Can we get the guy who did The Poseidon Adventure and The Towering Inferno? And Irwin Allen was got.

And Irwin's presence is presumably how Alice's, um, extraordinary casting came about. This isn't the first all-star Alice, MGM did that in 1933. And it wasn't the last, NBC filmed the story in 1999 and I'm sure that there will be more in the future. But CBS certainly did its part to crank out the stars, with a cast including the following: Shelley Winters, Karl Malden, Ernest Borgnine, Jonathan Winters, Ann Jillian, Sally Struthers, Lloyd Bridges, Beau Bridges, Scott Baio, John Stamos, Donald O'Connor, Steve Lawrence & Edyie Gorme, Telly Savalas, Steve Allen, Pat Morita, Patrick Duffy, Merv Griffin, Sid Caesar, Imogene Coca, Martha Raye, Harvey Korman, Anthony Newley, Arte Johnson, Roddy McDowell, Red Buttons, Donna Mills, Jayne Meadows and the only reason I had for watching it in the first place: Carol Channing. And those are just the stars I can remember off the top of my head. IMDB reminds me of the presence of Sammy Davis, Jr., Sherman Hemsley, Ringo Starr, Jack Warden and the director of Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives, that's right, Mr. Tom McLoughlin as the Jabberwocky. In a rubber suit.

Where the hell was Charo?

Now I'm sure you're thinking that Rodolfo was in camp heaven. That's what Rodolfo was anticipating, as well. But this was a film too painful to be considerd camp. No one wants to see Steve and Edyie as Dee and Dum singing about the Walrus and the Carpenter, especially when Karl Malden plays the Walrus [insert On the Waterfront. No one wants to hear Sherman Hemsley sing. Trust me. The only good thing was La Channing's performance as the White Queen. But I'm a major Diva Queen who thinks Channing is perhaps the funniest woman to have ever walked the face of the earth.

And the costumes! The people costumes are actually well-done, in the manner of Tenniel's original illustrations. Except Alice who, for some reason wears orange. And a surprising amount of blush (also orange) for an eight-year-old, but I digress. The animal characters, though...remember Zoobilee Zoo? Imagine Emma Caulfield as Anya in her bunny costume from "Fear Itself" from season 4. Now make the bunny suit white. Now paint Emma's face white. Now replace Emma with Red Buttons and you have yourself a White Rabbit. Now picture Shelley Winters with a beak and feath...no. Don't imagine that.

I know you're saying to yourselves that anything that bad must be entertaining on some level. You're wrong. Wrong!!! Do not seek this movie out. I never would have gotten through it by myself. I needed the help of my good friends Paul and rum and Diet Coke With Lime. Incidentally, Alice was played by Natalie Gregory. Go to IMDB and look her up yourself.

Now if anyone can guess what these four films have in common, you get a warm feeling of self-satisfaction.

Finished guessing? I'll spoiler-proof it just in case:
Robert Morley was in all four pictures. He plays the missionary in The African Queen and even though he dies at the beginning of the picture, he took the role just for the opportunity to play Kate's brother. In Road to Hong Kong he's the head of some villainous thing that sends Bing and Bob into space. He made his film debut as Louis XVI in Marie Antointte. And he was actually a very droll King of Hearts in Alice, one of the few actors who bothered to add a little character to his character. I didn't intend to watch a Morley festival, it just sorta happened that way. And he was good.

A magnificent film, the direction is nearly perfect and one of John Huston's best. The two stars work remarkably well together. Excellent performances from the two leads. This is one of those films you never tire of seeing. Excellent in all areas. Great location shooting.

Another good bunch of movies seen. I don't think they require much commentary.

The African Queen in many ways doesn't have really any credibility. But who cares? Scenery is gorgeous, Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn are smiling on their way down the river, and life is beautiful. Despite some implausible antics especially from Hepburn, they have a good chemistry and their gay spirit shines through.

21 Grams would in my opinion be significantly better were it 40 minutes shorter.

THX 1138 is a bit dull. I don't know, maybe it wasn't such a cliche yet at the time, but we've all seen this story a million times already, especially the ending. Fairly well done, but uninteresting.

Full review to come.

#17 - The African Queen

Despite my claims of being a true movie fan, I am dissapointed in saying that this was the first film in which I had witnessed a performance by either Humphrey Bogart or Katherina Hepburn. Well that's been fixed right up, and I got to see a terrific film in the process.

Though hardly Top Twenty material, The African Queen does pack in a few memorable experiences and comes off much more a comedy than anything else. Hepburn, playing the delusional sister of a preacher in the heart of Africa has...commandeered a small supply boat captained by Bogart and she is determined to sink a German war ship that is preventing British soldiers from establishing a front in Africa. Sure the story is completely ridiculous, but in a nice twist from convention, they actually know this. They're just gonna do it anyway.

Bogart and Hepburn are the real reason to watch the film, as both deliver excellent performances, although they lack any sort of chemistry. In fact, the earlier parts of the film when they are bickering constantly seem much more realistic and are frankly more fun to watch. When the two are playing off each other, some real great situations and lines come up, but when they join together everything becomes the same old, same old.

On further examination, the whole thing is really one big episode of Seinfeld. Or perhaps it can better be explained by saying that a whole bunch of coincidences lead to good and beffuddling hilarity. Which isn't so bad, considering I actually thought the film was going to be about a monarch and her subjects. Turns out the boat was much more interesting.